I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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