just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
