I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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