the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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