my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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