Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
