We're facebook friends in real life
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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