You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
