Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
