Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
