I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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