My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
