Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
