well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
