I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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