Michael Bay diarrhea
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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