I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
