just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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