I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
