everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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