4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
