The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
