you mean i was at the winter classic?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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