party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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