i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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