Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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