i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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