turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
