I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize