i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
