peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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