I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
