Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
