well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
They have beer where we have blood.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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