Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
