Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
