Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
