**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
