i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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