We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
