This is not my ceiling
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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