tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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