You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
