Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
