A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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