I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
