finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
