You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
