Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
