Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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