You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize