Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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