im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
