dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
