it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
this will be a night to untag.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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