I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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