Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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