just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
