Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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