Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
